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Steven Kwan’s Light Within

The Light Within

I collapsed into my hammock after a long ayahuasca ceremony.

For many years, that hammock has been my home. I got it when I first lived in Leticia, in the Colombian Amazon. It has a navy-blue fabric with red, yellow, and orange butterflies stitched into its design so that when I sleep — I am dreaming on the wings of the butterflies.

That hammock has traveled with me for the last 8 years all over Latin America. And there is no greater sense of comfort than falling into my hammock after a tough night of spiritual battle. I took a deep breath and curled up into a ball, feeling its familiar embrace, listening to the sounds of the jungle around me.

Often with ayahuasca I need to process things further after a ceremony, so I can incorporate the lessons I learned. During a ceremony, I don’t usually have thoughts. It’s like I enter a different state of awareness where thought is a distraction, and everything becomes instinctual. But then as I return to my normal state, it can be useful to verbalize what I felt. Words can be their own medicine sometimes.

As I lay there listening to the music of the jungle, madre ayahuasca began to kick in again. I was ready to rest… but she was not.

The Shaman must have sensed it, because he knocked on the door and came in to check on how I was doing.

“Todo bien, hermanito?”

“Oof,” I said. “I thought the ceremony was over, but I kind of feel like the ayahuasca is getting stronger again.”

“It often comes in waves,” he reassured me. “Dime lo que te molesta.”

“I know we always end up talking about the Guardians… which is kind of strange… talking to a shaman about baseball… but… one of the things I love most about baseball are all the lessons we learn from it… And you have useful wisdom to share… So I like listening to your perspective.”

The Shaman pulled the chair over from my desk and gently sat down next to my hammock. It was a small, simple cabin. Just some clothes on a shelf with some bottles of Agua de Florida and cigars of Mapacho. While on my desk lay my journal, bible, and mala necklace. The shaman pushed the hammock, rocking it gently.

“Si, claro. There are many teachers that we encounter along the path. Just look at the jungle around us… and all the teachers that live within it. The jaguar teaches us patience and perseverance. How to track a target from a long distance away. The serpent teaches us to shed our skins, so that we can leave behind what no longer serves us. The great condor teaches us how to ride the currents of life, so that we can soar high above the clouds. And the sacred hummingbird… comes to us as a messenger. Relax into your hammock, hermanito, and speak your truth. Release what must be said.”

I closed my eyes and felt the support of my hammock beneath me as the medicine began to take me deeper. I took a deep inhale… and as I slowly exhaled, I blew – almost like blowing on a dandelion’s seeds. And then the words flowed out.

I am not sure if what was said came from me, or from the Shaman. It was like our consciousnesses merged, and the voice I heard wasn’t either of ours… and yet both of ours at the same time. And what I said, was what I heard… and what I heard, was what I said:

As we all witnessed last year, we never know where the story will take us. We can allow ourselves to fall into a pit of despair, thinking a season is doomed before it has even begun. And we can equally lose ourselves by rising too high, too quickly… just like Icarus. The only way to climb a mountain is one step at a time. But do not assume you know where the destination lies before you have gotten there. The destination is in the future, and the future is unknown.

As we walk the path, we must be present, because it is along the path that we encounter the lessons we must learn in order to evolve. The journey can take us up… and it can take us down… but there is purpose to it all.

That’s easy to forget, however — especially when we are being tested.

I do not know Steven Kwan. I haven’t talked to Steven Kwan. But it’s clear that Steven Kwan’s offensive struggles this season have been more than just a slow start. The Guardians have remained respectful as to why he went on the bereavement/family emergency list, but one can only think that perhaps his challenges have been related to that. We have seen that after returning to the team, his bat has begun to awaken.

However there are other possible factors that may have been affecting him as well. We know that this is his last year here in Cleveland, and we don’t know if he will even be on the team for a potential postseason run. An uncertain future could certainly have an impact. The truth is that we never know what someone else is going through. But from an outsider’s perspective, what I observe is someone who has been experiencing the Long Night of the Soul.

The Long Night of the Soul is a spiritual trial by fire — where everything we thought we knew is tested. Where our own self-image shatters… and breaks away. The fire can singe us in the process, but it can also purify us by burning away what no longer serves us. The Long Night of the Soul is the final step in an evolutionary cycle — the final boss of the quest — which either results in our resurrection… or our destruction.

Steven Kwan’s future in Cleveland is unknown, even to him. And the unknown can make us feel very anxious, which creates tension as we try to force things. We have desires… dreams of how we want things to be. But suddenly life takes an unexpected turn, and the plan falls apart… And suddenly you must forget everything you thought you knew… so you can embrace what you were always destined to become…

When I was about 5, I loved Superman. So my mom made me a felt ‘S’ that I could pin on my shirt. Well first thing every day, I would wake up, pin that ‘S’ on, and head straight to the living room. I’d take all the pillows off of the couch, lay them on the floor, and then — standing proudly on the armrest of the couch — I’d launch myself off… with total faith that at some point I would actually fly.

That didn’t work… so I went on to become a pole vaulter in high school. I loved nothing more than running in the hot summer sun, and launching myself high into the air… seeing if I could fly. It was pure joy.

But when I started competing in college, I lost that connection I had to the joy in my heart… and I got lost in my head, trying to plan everything out. Being a statistician, I plotted out the entire course of my college career. I thought I could create a linear trajectory and calculate my way to the goals I had set for myself.

I planned and calculated everything! How much I would have to improve each year, how high I would have to jump in each meet in order to stay on pace. But by thinking I could control everything, I robbed myself of the joy I had. And as I saw my dreams slipping away, I got frustrated, I got tense, I got angry… and I lost that inner child who loved to see if he could fly.

What a fall from grace.

And suddenly, I found myself walking through the underworld… in my Long Night of the Soul.

There is so much I could share with you about that first walk through the underworld, but those lessons I needed to learn were unique to me. What I can tell you, however, is that my fall from grace was the catalyst for a transformative journey.

I have walked through the Valley of Death many times since — both in the waking world and in ceremony. It is an ugly, dark place. The lowest of the lows. Where fears and doubts feed on the weak like parasites. You see all the terrible things in the world: wars, death, fear, pain and suffering. And if you do not keep your wits about you, the flames of the underworld will consume you alive.

Oftentimes when we are walking through the Valley of Death, we are getting close to the destination. And as we continue forward — because there is no other choice than to continue forward — we are tested, in order to prove our metal. The final stage of walking through the underworld is the Long Night of the Soul. It is the devil’s final attempt to distract us from our destiny. A moment when all seems lost. And the flames either purify you, and you become stronger — or you lose yourself in the darkness… and perish.

But if you can learn to walk through the Valley of Death… you can walk anywhere!

There is a reason why I chose Steven Kwan as Percival when I wrote King Vogt and the Guardians of the Round Table. Percival’s legend begins by being razed in the woods by his mother who wanted to protect him from the dangerous and violent world outside. But one day, Percival discovered a knight in the forest when he was gathering wood.

Determined to become a knight, Percival cut branches from the trees and fastened them together to make a wooden suite of armor. And then, he headed straight to Camelot to pledge his allegiance to King Arthur. But most people don’t know that it was actually Percival who discovered the Holy Grail in the original story. Sir Galahad was only written into later versions of the legend.

And why was it that Percival was the one that was worthy of discovering the Holy Grail? It was because of how pure his heart was. When Steven Kwan is being Steven Kwan, running around with that smile on his face like a little kid, he is letting his inner-child run free. And only a knight with a heart as pure as that is worthy of seeing the Holy Grail.

Steven Kwan’s offensive struggles have not been a slow start to the season; Steven Kwan has been walking through the underworld, battling demons, and being tested in his Long Night of the Soul.

Because we know how this front office operates: Kwan will be traded… and he knows it too. But this isn’t just a game to these players, it’s their lives. They have homes, they have families and friends, Cleveland is an amazing place to live… and then to suddenly see everything you love about to be taken away from you… that can create a lot of tension.

We all want Steven Kwan for the run this year. The players and coaches want Steven Kwan on this team. And the Guardians of the Round Table cannot claim the Holy Grail without their Percival.

Is there no solution that benefits everyone?

During his Long Night of the Soul, Kwan’s value has plummeted. So instead of trading Kwan this season, sign him to a contract that is at a fair market value, with team control for several years, and includes a list of teams where he would like to go — but trade him after the season. After all, even Percival’s legend ends with him as a king in another land.

By signing him to a contract extension now — it ensures that King Vogt has his Percival — as the Guardians of the Round Table embark on one final quest for the Commissioner’s Trophy. It gives Kwan until the end of the year to maximize his trade-value. It means that he knows he’ll be on this team until the end of this season… where ever that may take us. And most importantly, by allowing him to make a list of trade destinations, it gives him some agency over where his life will go when the journey ends.

Has Steven Kwan not done enough to have earned that?

The team that trades for him will be starting next season with a four-time gold glover, who is a proven All-Star, and who – after early season struggles – is now firing on all cylinders, better than ever.

If I were Steven Kwan, I’d be thinking about winning the World Series here in Cleveland, and then heading somewhere like San Francisco where he could roam the outfield in the Californian sun… “Guardian of The Bay”. But I’m just an observer. I don’t have any control over the situation. So I offer what I can, and then surrender to the process.

Yet we can all understand the personal side of this amazing game of baseball. We can put ourselves in Steven Kwan’s position, facing an uncertain future after having given everything to this organization. And when an organization that you have sacrificed for says, “We aren’t going to give you what you want,” it can feel like what they are actually saying is, “You’re not good enough.”

That lack of control, and that lack of faith that others show in us… can make us lose faith in ourselves. Which sends us down into the underworld. Where we must confront the Long Night of the Soul…

So imagine if you will, dear reader… Steven Kwan as Sir Percival, wearing his navy-blue armor with a red ‘C’ over his chest, carrying his sword and shield, as he walks through the Valley of Death.

He has been battling longer than he can remember. His armor cut to pieces, open wounds covering his body, his sword dented and bloody, his shield badly bent. He trudges along with heavy feet – what he swears must be his final steps.

He casts his heavy shield aside as the weight becomes too much to bear. “Surely,” he thinks to himself, “this must be the end.”

Suddenly a skeleton’s hand bursts through the earth, and grabs on to Sir Kwan’s armored leg. He strikes at the skeleton with his sword, cutting the bone clean in half. But more and more hands begin to burst through the charred crust of the underworld, as the living-dead climb up out of the ground, a swarm of skeletons and zombies overwhelming Kwan.

He swings his blade wildly, hacking violently with what little strength he has left, his armor covered with his own blood. But the dark force around him is too great, and as Sir Kwan falters, the flames of the underworld rise higher.

He falls down onto one knee, and thrusts his sword into the ground. Surrounded by the inferno, he bows his head and whispers, “I surrender…”

Upon uttering those words, a shining light bursts forth from his heart, rising above the battlefield, and with a blinding flash – obliterates the demons around him… thus breaking the spell that had been cast over Sir Kwan.

The illusion of the underworld fractures… and falls away… to reveal Kwan standing in an open field, gazing at the orb of light floating in front of him. As the beacon rises higher, the light falls upon Sir Kwan, and as the light touches his wounds, they instantly become healed.

And from the orb came a female’s voice that rang with grace…

“Arise Sir Kwan. You have passed the final test… because you are worthy. You do not need to be perfect… to be good enough. You are good enough… as you are. You offered of yourself freely, and surrendered… There is no greater offering than that. Behold, the Holy Grail!“

Then there was a dazzling light that overtook the entire field. Sir Kwan had to shield his eyes from the glare… but as the light faded… there was still a golden beam of light tracing the red ‘C’ that covered his heart.

“Now go! And tell King Vogt and the Guardians of the Round Table… that you have seen the Holy Grail!”

(Listen with headphone and read the lyrics…)

https://youtu.be/RQScTvgglYg?si=mSuYxM9yIuUzGv6e

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